On Choosing Not to Rebuild... and Other Random Thoughts

I've never lost a house.

I used to have these strange dreams that I would die in a fire.  For years as a child an image would appear to me, not whole (somehow I could tell).  I'd see a whitish surface, almost doughy, then watch it morph, like turning into a Cracker Jack.

Well it must have been sometime when I was in 7th or 8th grade (because I know we were living in Europe at the time) - by the way, have you ever played with Google Earth???  WAY too much fun...
Here's where we lived:

Ours was the left side of the duplex just above the "n" in Finsen.

I remember riding my bike around and around and around that oval (our "track").

This was (is) on the SHAPE Military base (Supreme Headquarters Allied Powers Europe).

We lived there for 3 years - some of my most memorable :)

I walked to school through that thick of trees at the top of the shot - with my hands in front of my face to prevent running smack into a tree when it got SO foggy you couldn't see a foot in front of you (often).

And, here's the front of the base:

The Google Earth guys obviously picked a "typical" day for this shot!  Dank and dreary.

The flags represent each NATO member country.  There were fewer during my days there - in fact Eastern Europe was not generally accessible to "westerners" - though we DID get to tour both West and East Berlin (going through the Berlin Wall at Check Point Charlie in 1976).  But I digress...

At some point during our tour there I saw a film/read a book/came across the information that this is what skin looks like when it burns (the Cracker Jack thing).  YUCK!!!  The dreams scared me much more once I was aware!  Obviously not enough, however, to stop me from lighting floating candles on my bed ;)

Anyway, I've since met several families who've lost homes due to fire and have subsequently rebuilt, and one whose home suffered significant water damage and has had to move out for major repairs.  I think I'd cut my losses and move on.  I know it's a personal decision, I just feel the memory of the loss would haunt the place, at least for ME.

So what does this have to do with My Midlife Meander???

Well, Friday I'm facing my second mastectomy and, once again, my surgeon broached the subject of reconstruction.  And, once again, I shared with him my decision NOT to "rebuild".

Some of you may think this strange, and I know that many women choose TO rebuild themselves, just not me :)  I'm completely comfortable with this decision.  

Not only is reconstruction after breast cancer NOT like breast augmentation, it involves multiple stages, takes many months of time, and presents significant risks.  I came across THIS article (worth the read!!!) a while back and saved it because I knew at some point I'd be explaining my decision via this blog.  So...???  Did you read it?  I'm NOT knocking or criticizing others' decisions, but can you see why someone of my age, with pre-existing autoimmune issues, might be disinclined to rebuild herself?

BUT... as the surgery date nears, I wonder about "me" afterward.  Hubby has said he's totally okay with it, and I do believe him.  My breasts have served their main purpose, twice, nursing both of our children.  And I've certainly researched my options (HERE's a good resource).  That doesn't mean I'm not lamenting my loss.  This is, after all, yet another piece of my body being cut out or lopped off.  It's made me consider more than once what it really means to be a WOMAN.  No, it's not boobs, or ovaries, or even hormones at this point (we're working to suppress all we can).  Still...

Perhaps if I just had HAIR!  Or at least my brows and lashes back!!! ;)

The blank slate

Eyeliner - check!

Eyebrow #1 - check!

Eyebrow #2 - check!

So, I'm ready for Friday, and to move on rather than rebuild.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.

Psalm 139:14

AND I'm ready for CHRISTMAS - house is decorated and nearly all my wrapping is done :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the way, we also changed the batteries in our smoke detectors at "Fall Back" time!