Oh Good Gosh!!!

Well, I haven't posted in quite some time, both because I've been SUPER BUSY - in a mostly good way - and because there's not been much to share (except my Foto Friday pix [mostly Friday anyway] - shared again below).

But now...

I'm SO frustrated because, after having grown back nice and thick, I'm losing my eyelashes and eyebrows AGAIN!!!

I noticed a few of them shedding a couple of weeks ago, but didn't think much of it.  In fact, I actually thought it was my make-up brush shedding - since I need new ones ;)  But it seems... NOT so much!

Hmmph.

I combed the Internet searching for an explanation.  I mean - REALLY???  I've already gone through this ONCE, and that's certainly ENOUGH!!!  Some folks said, "This is not chemo-related," others said, "It may be stress-related" (you think???), and others posited, "Perhaps med-related?"

Come to find out, our hair sheds anyway - knew that - and so do our lashes and brows.  So, since they ALL came back at the same time, they're ALL on the same dang shedding cycle!  Utter CRAZINESS!!!

AND, I tossed my special, handy-dandy eyebrow pencil to boot, thinking, "Ha - I'll never need THAT again!"  So I've ordered another.  And now I have yet another good reason to continue my pack-rat habits I was SO trying to break :tup
So THERE, dear hubby!

Otherwise, I'm feeling really well most days - though sometimes the odd "tiredness" so many warned me about hits like a semi-truck and I can't seem to put one foot in front of the other.  Thankfully this isn't often!  My energy seemed to peak about a month ago after my iron infusion, and now seems to be waning again - so I'll check with my oncologist when I see him again in a few weeks for my 6-month post-chemo appointment!

Maybe it's because I'm just getting fat, not exercising the way I KNOW I should!!!  My poor Fit Bit just sits on my vanity, wondering when I'm going to get my act together :||
And poor mini Cooper isn't so "mini" these days given I'm not walking HIM either! (and "Daddy" only takes him around the corner - lol)

But - my feet aren't so bad now that I'm taking meds for the neuropathy (that is when I REMEMBER to take them on time!!!)  I'm actually considering trying some ADHD meds -- seriously.  I've always just coped with it but, since my 2013 Midlife Meander, I don't seem to have the focus I used to - which isn't saying much!  We'll see.  I've already had to clear more cabinet space for what I'm taking now - lol.

So HERE'S the Photo Set - a little over 3-month's worth of progress:

December 25th

January 3rd

January 10th

January 24th

January 31st

February 7th

February 11th

February 21st

March 1st

March 2nd - 8th

March 14th

March 22nd

March 28th

And just ONE MORE thing --- I'm so VERY ExCiTeD and  SUPER PROUD of my precious daughter who will graduate in early May from GCSU with a BS in Community Health!!!  

She has a summer internship with JDRF, where we hope she will be able to make some connections and find gainful employment - since SHE's not sure how long she can stand to be back at home ;)

I have to end with this - something I was re-reading the other evening as I reflected on the fact that this is an ongoing journey.  I will have doubts and experience fear, then will forget about it for long periods of time (I have already and it seems odd).  But then something will cause the un-realness of it all to come flooding back.  But I DO move on!  I credit my faith, and the unbelievable support and encouragement I've received - and continue to receive - from so many.

A reassuring whisper to the battered soul, 

a calming song to the shaken spirit...

this is the way love works.

~Melvina Young~

Feeling Like a Sur-thriver!

CLICK to hear Michael singing it!!!

Yes, I'm feeling pretty darn good :tup

I have to share (re-share for my FB friends) this, even though it just scratches the surface:

For those of you who don't know, I had an iron infusion on Tuesday, February 4th and I feel like a new woman!!!

Besides the renewed coloring above, I've got more energy than I've had in YEARS!  And, for better or worse, I've got that jittery tension (best way to describe it) feeling again:

Like the "old days", I've got a thousand things going on at once, my mind's running 90-to-nothing, I'm flitting from one thing to the other... and it's oddly comforting ;)

Also, my hands and feet don't seem to be quite as cold all the time :)  Yes, my oncologist was correct when he said, "You'll feel SO much better."  Gotta love that guy!

I got some test results since my last post to share:

1. GOOD and BAD news from my thyroid ultrasound -- no nodules or lesions (Yay!!!) but I do have some inflammation.  Off to see another new doctor next week, an endocrinologist, to further assess.  Still on the Synthroid.
2. BAD and GOOD? news from my bone density test -- osteoporosis in my left hip and lumbar spine (but I knew this), and osteopenia in the other hip and several other parts of my spine.  My gyn/major angel called me Tuesday to explain why he's no longer recommending I take Prolia.  He said the jury's still out on long-term effects of this relatively new drug and, as I was already aware from researching after an adverse reaction early last year, commonly used treatments like Fosomax and Boniva have been shown to grow bone but not STRONG bone, actually exacerbating the risk of fractures after 5 years of use!!!  He said that even though my fracture risk is elevated, because I'm still ONLY 50 (he actually said, "... because you're still so young," and I thanked him ;) ) we're better off adding extra calcium and D3 than taking any of these products - even WITH the bone-depleting anti-cancer aromatase inhibitor I'm taking!  So we wait and retest in 2 years :)

It's a good thing I didn't bust it on the sled yesterday!!!  Cooper knew better than to hang with me on this one :r

Oh, and I have to share THIS with you!  Remember my CRAP shirt???  (Link if you don't)  Well here's what the author of I Have to Get Some Things Off My Chest and creator of the shirts posted on her FB page yesterday:

Isn't it AWESOME???

I still feel so blessed to be where I am today.  I think often about where I might be if my lump hadn't screamed out, "I'M HERE" early last May.  And if my gyn/angel had believed the mammo and ultrasound that followed!

Life is still a journey of recovery - and discovery, of resilience, of miracles.  I treasure each day for its opportunities - and time.  Because we just never know. 

And one more thing:

SO tired of seeing Doctors!

Yes, I know how fortunate I am to have a great team of physicians, but I'd really like a break from them - at least for a while!!!

I actually added one to the team last week, a gastroenterologist who thoroughly impressed me at my first appointment, but let me back up...

I was already scheduled to see my internist/PCP on January 10, just to touch base after my December surgeries and take care of some testing she'd wanted to do when I first went to her last June.

Well, the visit included taking 5 vials of blood that revealed continued anemia (not a surprise), high cholesterol (big surprise???), and a TSH reading that was through the roof (WTH???).  We also discussed my irritating neuropathy, and she recommended Gabapentin, suggesting I double-check with my oncologist since I'm now on that fun ZERO HORMONE anti-cancer regimen :)

Since I already had an appointment scheduled with my oncologist (my first 3-month follow up), he and I discussed both the neuropathy treatment (the G drug it is - better than nothing, but...) and what to do about my iron issues!  

I've had trouble with low hemoglobin and ferritin levels since I was 12...

and have tried countless times to remedy the situation with iron supplements to no avail.  

A funny segue... 

When I was completing my initial paperwork at the cancer center (hematology-oncology center actually, and this DOES matter to the story), the office person asked if I'd ever been a patient there before.  "No!" I insisted, "This is my first time with cancer." :/

"That's odd," she said, "because you're already in our system, from quite some time ago it seems."

I'm sure I scrunched up my face in a questioning gesture, then I assured her, again, that I'd never been in that office before in my life!

Long story short, it seems I DID see one of the physicians, as a hematology patient some 15 years ago when they were housed in an adjacent facility.  AND, I vividly recall - now - how scared I was when I read the door sign that said "Hematology-ONCOLOGY". Did they think I had cancer of the blood or something???  

I also recall being asked into this physician's office where I sat across from his large desk, he with his hands clasped, leaning forward on rested elbows to declare matter of factly - not ASK - "You either chew ice or eat dirt."  Period. He just stared at me, not in an unkind manner, but I was totally taken aback!  "Well, I certainly don't eat dirt!" I insisted.  We went on to have a rather informative conversation about anemic symptoms and their concomitant cravings (yes, an ice chewer I'd been for years), and he put me on a strong iron supplement that I took for less than a month before the accompanying gastric issues prompted me to quit.  THIS doctor, by the way, is best bud/golfing partner of my most amazing surgeon, and the oncologist I'd likely have seen had my internist/PCP not recommended the one I have!  

Another segue...

The cancer center administrator just happens to be a former next door neighbor of ours (something I didn't know before my BC dx), and SHE thinks my oncologist is an A-hole - I gather because he, according to her, walks into the center in the morning in deep thought and doesn't speak (or laugh and joke in the halls as I've seen the others do).  She chalked it up to his preoccupation with his job - something I PREFER in a physician - and that he's newer to the practice.  Consequently, she had another oncologist, the doctor I happened to have seen years earlier for my anemia and the center's supposed BC go-to guy, serepticiously follow my oncologist's plan for my treatment, just to be sure.  I guess I should be grateful, and glad/relieved since he approved, but I trusted my own onco from the beginning!

...where was I???

Oh, the iron issue.  So I'm going in this Tuesday for a 6 to 7 hour long iron infusion.  My onco - the guy I trust - suggested this might be a better solution than trying oral supplements, yet again, in the hope they'll bring my levels up in 4-6 months.  My iron levels will be NORMAL on Tuesday afternoon :e

Also, the aromatase inhibitor I'm taking - and will be for "...at least 5, more likely 10, years," according to my onco - causes bone loss :o  Well, I already have osteoporosis (not -penia) in my left hip, both ankles, and lumbar spine, probably from the long undiagnosed celiac, so my gyn has suggested I take Prolia (already tried and had a bad reaction to Fosomax).  BUT, in order to start he needs a new baseline bone density.  That's tomorrow morning, SIGH.

Oh, and I started taking Synthroid/levothyroxine last week for my thyroid, likely Hashimoto's since my mom has it and I have all these other fun autoimmune issues :i
Had an ultrasound on Friday - just to check for other possible things going on...
Worst thing about THIS med is having to get up and take it on an empty stomach, then refrain from eating or drinking anything for 30 minutes to an hour.  Last week I tried to put this time to good use and spent 30 minutes on my treadmill.  This morning I went back to sleep ;)

Now, for my NEWEST doctor:  

I waited over an hour from my appointment time to see her, but after our "visit" I'd wait TWO!!!  She was friendly, receptive, thorough, and caring; and though my internist/PCP recommended her (along with several other non- medical people), it turns out she's good friends with my gyn and they were actually neighbors for 10 years!!!  Coincidence or serendipity?  Nonetheless, she's doing a colonoscopy on me later this month :~

I guess it's better to get all this out of the way, and maybe March and April will be MINE!!!

On a HAPPY note, especially for those of you who don't follow the blog on Facebook, my hairses are growing back!!!  A bit more pepper than salt, and I went out today for the first time sans head covering ;)
I also have thicker eyelashes than I've had in YEARS!!!  You know how, especially as a teenager, you used to "forget" to remove your mascara, then sort of picked it off, and accidentally pulled out a few lashes once in a while???
Well I got a shot at a brand new set :)

And, Mini Cooper enjoyed the snow!

Hugs to you all, and if you're wondering why in writing this now, no, I'm NOT watching the Super Bowl - much prefer college football and will catch the commercials on YouTube ;)

Will I be more S or P?

I'm taking bets!

Seriously, though, I AM taking a poll:

Will I be more SALT or more PEPPER?
	Salt/Gray
	Pepper/Brown
pollcode.com free polls

It's still hard to tell...

Here are a few picks so far:

So, whadya think???

I dyed my hair for years, the first time as a college sophomore when, after getting my first REALLY short cut - punk style - my hairdresser noted the quarter-sized white/gray spot in the back of my head!

"WHAT the...???" I exclaimed.  

As it turned out, this was an early manifestation of the vitiligo (click link) that I've dealt with most of my adult life - thanks much, family genes!

This is the autoimmune disease/condition (I prefer the latter) Michael Jackson suffered with and, while my natural skin tone was pretty dark - for a white girl ;-) - I can't imagine what he went through as a teen idol!  Lest you doubt this explanation for his hats, glove, plastic surgeries (so he didn't look so oddly black with white skin), depigmentation, and umbrella, take a look at what vitiligo DOES (click link).

Here's a pic of my first leg "spots" (on my knees):

The result of my own body attacking my melanin as if it was foreign (the nature of autoimmune diseases such as celiac - attacks the intestines when gluten is ingested [I have this too, as do 2 cousins and our late grandfather], and type 1diabetes - attacks the insulin-producing cells in the pancreas [precious daughter has this, as do the same 2 cousins, another cousin, and our late grandfather).

As this FUN adventure in body changes continued (much more rapidly after the birth of precious daughter), I tried body makeup, which only ended up getting on carpets and clothing :/

My students used to get a little freaked out, especially when my hands became spotty, looking like I had something that might be contagious - lol.  But, seriously, I feel for children who have to deal with this - at least I was an adult!
Not that it didn't bother me, mind you!

While dye worked for my hair, I used a ton of full-coverage makeup once it hit my face.

As it got progressively harder to cover up, and my body became more and more vulnerable to the sun (melanin's a protector), I had to drastically change my summer way of life.  Some of you reading this will remember how, even in February, I could lay out in the sun and get a good tan in 30 minutes 8)
No lie!!!

So, I started buying sun protective clothing, STRONG sunblock, and some really attractive swimwear:

~LOL~

I saw a specialist about 5 years ago, to ask him about total depigmentation (a la MJ - :mj ).  At the time I had very little pigment left, but it was in aggravatingly visible places - my lower legs, my shoulders, and my back.  He studied my body under special lights (which make vitiligo "glow"), turned to his assistant and smiled - then turned to me, with a laugh, "This is amazing!  You're so fortunate..."  Not that the disease condition is benign, but that I'd naturally (without the poisonous depigmenting chemicals) lost most of my pigment and looked "...quite normal!"  No, he wouldn't depigment the rest of my body, but sent me away feeling much better, blessed in a way :angel

So, after about 30 years of this self-attacking (the last 15 or so being the most aggressive), here's what's left:

Dark areas are my original skin coloring - having been out of the sun for 10+ years

But I digress...

Back to the HAIR issue!  My FIRST saltiness was vitiligo-induced, my more recent trend is just age ;)

I'm thinking more S at this point, but we'll have to wait a few more weeks to know for sure!!!

OH!!!  And here's an exciting thing - I got a Fit Bit Flex for my birthday last year, but didn't REALLY get to use it b/c...  well, you know, my life took a bit of a meander!

Put it on yesterday and MET MY GOAL of 10,000 steps :e

Of course some of those "steps" may have been the active gesturing I do when teaching ;)

Walking on the Wild Side ;)

I know I've mentioned at least once (or twice, or three times) my controlling nature and tendency toward impatience.  Well, I've ALSO been traditionally deemed "unfun" by my family.

Not that they've hated being around me (at least I don't think so), or haven't loved me anyway (I KNOW so :) ), I just don't laugh at the same lame jokes, join in their frequently immature antics, or offer up my own punnies...

...that is until my latest surgery, now 2.3 weeks ago, when - apparently - my "Fun Inhibitor" was removed!!!

Yes, folks, I've actually laughed at inappropriate jokes, even shared a few myself, and otherwise amazed my family - or at least amused them - in my current boobless, not-as-bald, and newly brow-full state ;)  Anchorman 2 is even on my "Must See" list!

--------------------------------------------

Best Mama, precious daughter, and I went out for a post-Christmas lunch on Thursday (really to get new boots for p. daughter since her "smart" mom ordered a cute-but-ankle-turning-prone pair from a non-returnable site [WARNING: Don't be tempted by the deals on Zulily unless you know the purchase is for keeps!] - fortunately they fit me :e ). 

Well, my typically cold nature turned hot in the restaurant, and my head started sweating profusely under my cancer patient disguise, a.k.a hat (thank you winter weather for allowing me to look "normal" - lol!).  I mentioned this, and my usually conservative mother said, "Why don't you take it off?"  And I DID!!!  We sat there eating (me a most delicious gluten-free pizza), I in my nearly-bald glory, in PUBLIC!  When I went to re-don the hat I noticed an adorable little girl, perhaps 5 years old, watching me wide-eyed.  I just smiled, and she returned it with the cutest grin :)

By the way, I trust that each of you had a wonderful Christmas!!!  

We did, spread across several days, as it was, to accommodate various schedules - amazing son's not big on pictures ;)  and I neglected to take any with hubby's fam Christmas Eve and brother's fam yesterday :o

We had a minor holiday interruption when my faithful, sometimes ferocious (especially when anyone attempts to keep him from me, like after surgery when this rotten thing growled at hubby and p. daughter [did I ever share that he's really HER pet???]) - and now FAT - Mini Cooper had a visit to the vet for a likely skin allergy (biting and scratching like crazy).   It must be time for me to get moving again with this formerly 19- now nearly 25-pound pup!!!

No one WALKS him like me :D

FIRST to open his presents Christmas morning ;)

So, what about that "WILD SIDE" ???

I got these great, fleece-lined leggings for Christmas from best Mama, but had nothing (long enough) to wear with them b/c they're tan!  I found something at a boutique I'd never have entered  - save with precious daughter.  

When I came downstairs with it on yesterday, hubby commented, "Woo! Look at you!" 

"Don't you like it?" I asked.  

"Yeah, it's a little wild!" he responded with a smile ;)

Perhaps 2014 will not only be healthier, but more fun, and even a bit WILD!!!

Oh, oh, oh!!!  

Can't forget to share the progress:

MORE fuzzies and MY VERY OWN bushy eyebrows!!!

Still having a hard time finding the energy to make  it through an entire day, but I know that will come in time!  Also have to get a handle on the chemo-induced neuropathy that's inhibiting my sleep -- #QuestionsForJanuaryAppointments.  Otherwise all is well :tup

Hope that you all have a safe and very HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The BEST Christmas Gift!

I'm done, REALLY DONE!!!

For those of you who wish to skip the recap, scroll down to the "chicken cutlet" picture ;)

It's been a looooooong 7+ months...

On May 5th of this year, I found the lump.

On May 6th my gyn (angel #1 :angel ) felt it too and sent me for a dx mammo and ultrasound.

On May 8th both tests were negative for any abnormalities, and on May 9th I went to working thinking all was well with my world.

On May 10th my gyn called and suggested I consult a surgeon.  "Why," I asked, "didn't you get the test results?"  

"Humor me" he said. "You and I both felt something.  I just want another set of hands, to be sure."  And he gave me a number.  My plan was to call in a couple of weeks, once the school year was over.

On May 14th the written test report arrived.  "We are happy to inform you that your recent breast imaging study shows NO ABNORMALITIES TO SUGGEST BREAST CANCER," it read, literally, caps and all.  So I went on about my business, satisfied again that all was well with my world.

On May 22nd my gyn's nurse called.  She had contacted the surgeon's office and discovered I'd not yet made an appointment.  "I know you're a busy teacher," she said, "but Dr. K. ( :angel #1) wants you to see the surgeon."

"But, but... the test results, the letter, it said I was fine!  And I will see the surgeon, if I need to, once school is out."

She made the appointment for me.

On May 30th I saw the surgeon, :angel #2, who told us he needed to biopsy the mass to be sure.  Said he would take a conical section to get enough tissue to check.  Told us, "Don't worry right now, let's just see."

On June 4th I had a surgical biopsy.  The only thing hubby remembers is Dr. M., :angel #2, saying he took part of the mass, and that it was "pretty gritty."

On June 6th, our 26th anniversary, we got the news. :angel #2 shared, "I'm sorry, but you've got Breast Cancer."  Of no consequence were my 14 previous years of annual mammograms.  He would need to take my entire breast - a lumpectomy was not possible - and wanted to schedule it ASAP due to the aggressive nature of my tumor (grade 3).

On June 7th I had an MRI to check my left breast.  It was this day I told amazing son (precious daughter was still away working at camp).

On June 12th, at the urging of :angel #2, we met with a reconstructive surgeon so we'd know about future options.

On June 13th I got the "all clear" on my left breast per MRI.

On June 15th precious daughter came home - we had to break the news...

On June 18th I lost my right breast and 9 lymph nodes.

On June 20th I had my first post-op to check for healing.

On June 27th I had my second post-op and my surgical drains were removed.  We also got the final pathology:  breast tumor was a little over 3 cm, 2 lymph nodes turned up positive, along with some extra-nodal metastases, the largest of which was .8 cm.

On July 2nd we met with my oncologist, :angel #3, and we set a plan for aggressive chemo.  He also drew blood for the BRCA test.

On July 5th I had an echocardiogram to ensure my heart was strong enough for one of the nastier chemo drugs.

On July 9th I had my port inserted by :angel #2

On July 17th I had my first chemo treatment (Adriamycin and Cytoxan), and on July 18th a post-chemo Neulasta injection.

On July 24 I had post-chemo bloodwork and got the news I'm BRCA positive.

On July 31st I had round 2 of chemo and precious daughter had blood drawn for the BRCA test, then on August 1st a Neulasta injection.

On August 7th I had post-chemo bloodwork.

On August 14th I had chemo #3, AND got the great news precious daughter is BRCA negative!!  Back on August 15th for a Neulasta injection.

On August 21st I had post-chemo bloodwork.  Dear brother came along to have blood drawn for BRCA testing.

On August 26th, following some serious side effects, I had to have a hemerrhoidectomy - :angel#2 again.  This threw off my chemo regimen by a week.

On September 4th I was back in the hot seat for chemo #4.  We also got great news that dear brother is BRCA negative too!  Later in the afternoon we met with :angel #1 about removal of my ovaries due to my BRCA status.  Then on September 5th it was back to the chemo suite for a Neulasta injection.

On September 11th I had post-chemo bloodwork.

On September 18th I had chemo #5 (new regimen - Taxol), and on September 19th another Neulasta shot.  At some point during this week I met again with :angel #2 about a left side mastectomy due to BRCA.

On September 25th we got the awesome news that amazing son is also BRCA negative!!!  And I had post-chemo bloodwork.

On October 2nd I had chemo #6, followed by a Neulasta shot on October 3rd.

On October 9th it was post-chemo bloodwork, again.

On October 16th, chemo #7, with Neulasta on October 17th.

On October 23rd, post-chemo labs.

AND, October 30th was #8, my LAST chemo :tup

Of course October 31st was the last Neulasta shot (Did I ever mention these bad boys cost $10,516 EACH???), and I was back on November 6th for labs.

On November 18th we met with :angel #2 to schedule my 2nd mastectomy.

On December 5th I pre-op'd for both surgeries (ovary removal & mastectomy) - the frequent flyer benefit :)

On December 6th it was surgery #1 (really #5, but who's counting?).

Then, a week later, on December 13th I had surgery #2. 

On December 16th I went in BALD and BOOBLESS for a post-op for surgery #2 (really #6 b/c I AM counting ;)  )  This is when :angel #2 expressed awe at my ability to heal so well :)  AND informed me of my clean path report - NO signs of cancer in left breast or sentinel nodes :e

On December 19th I had my post-op for surgery #2 (really #5).  Dr. K. ( :angel #1) gave me the A-okay, clean path report (he'd called me December 12th to let me know) :tup (just no heavy lifting for 3 more weeks - really he said no housework for a year, but then winked at hubby).  Then, I went to :angel #2 to have my post-surgical drains removed, and nearly cried holding his hand as he informed me I was "Done" - I DID cry in the car, happy tears of course!

Think I should burn my 2013 calendar - OR save it as a souvenir?

Chicken cutlet?  Really???

TODAY, precious daughter chauffeured me to the pink boutique to get my second "sister" (aka chicken cutlet).  When she attached this moniker to my prosthesis (this is how she explained what it looks like to a friend) I nearly tore stitches laughing so hard - lol :D

So... other than the resting and healing, I'm officially DONE!!!  Oh, and I have REAL eyebrows and eyelashes growing in thicker each day :party

I've reached the stage of SURVIVOR and it doesn't quite feel real.  
I will see my PCP on January 10th, and :angel #3 again on January 21st (and every 3 months for the next year), BUT, I'm still done!

Done done DONE done doNe DonE 

DONE

MERRY CHRISTMAS to me :)

And to EACH of you, my virtual :angel s, who've provided me support and encouragement throughout this Midlife Meander.

I'll keep you updated as I move into the new year (hair growth - lol, check ups, and such) but will not post as regularly, since I'm hoping for a straighter, more predictable path in 2014 :)

My flesh and my heart may fail,

    but God is the strength of my heart

    and my portion forever.

~Psalm 73:26~

Meander pic from: http://www.bbc.co.uk/northernireland/landscapes/lev2_rivers_meanders_script.shtml

Timing ISN'T Everything... OR, Life According to God's Plan

Some of you know that all the while, throughout MY ordeal/journey/midlife meander, hubby's dear Dad has been in poor health.

We lost MY own most-fantastic-of-all-daddies-ever father nearly 15 years ago (gosh, actually typing that seems unreal because I remember it like yesterday...), and hubby's wonderfully giving servant-to-everyone mother in 2004.

Precious daughter and I were chatting last night, reminiscing, and I shared my fortune at having all four of my own grandparents at our wedding:

Maybe that's unusual, maybe not.  My children won't be so fortunate.

Nonetheless, this world lost, and heaven gained, a special man yesterday :angel

I'd been thinking for sometime, since his health has been in decline, of times past - memories of him in better days.  Here are a couple of pix I dug out (with help ;)  ) from our early family albums:

This last one is Pops with precious daughter - hate its lack of clarity (Perhaps that's b/c I tried to do this one w/o assistance :brow  It's a poorly done Turboscan [Yes, I'm endorsing a pretty cool iPhone app that works most of the time!]).

There are so many more, but these are the sweetest :h

Hubby is so much like him.  It's funny (and awesome) that as Pops' health declined, hubby's visits made him light up and smile :)

His last few weeks were spent in Augusta, where hubby's brother lives, due to the need for progressively more care.  We went to visit as a family the weekend before my first latest surgery, two weeks ago.  Pops was, for a short time, lucid and knew all of us.  He asked about me, smiled at our shared bald heads, and spoke (whispered) with the kids (about amazing son's job and precious daughter's school)... and laughed as hubby wheeled around the room in the wheelchair :D.  The end came fast and was, I pray, relatively painless.

He will be missed very much.  Please think of dear hubby this week as final plans are made and my special father-in-law is remembered.

On Choosing Not to Rebuild... and Other Random Thoughts

I've never lost a house.

I used to have these strange dreams that I would die in a fire.  For years as a child an image would appear to me, not whole (somehow I could tell).  I'd see a whitish surface, almost doughy, then watch it morph, like turning into a Cracker Jack.

Well it must have been sometime when I was in 7th or 8th grade (because I know we were living in Europe at the time) - by the way, have you ever played with Google Earth???  WAY too much fun...
Here's where we lived:

Ours was the left side of the duplex just above the "n" in Finsen.

I remember riding my bike around and around and around that oval (our "track").

This was (is) on the SHAPE Military base (Supreme Headquarters Allied Powers Europe).

We lived there for 3 years - some of my most memorable :)

I walked to school through that thick of trees at the top of the shot - with my hands in front of my face to prevent running smack into a tree when it got SO foggy you couldn't see a foot in front of you (often).

And, here's the front of the base:

The Google Earth guys obviously picked a "typical" day for this shot!  Dank and dreary.

The flags represent each NATO member country.  There were fewer during my days there - in fact Eastern Europe was not generally accessible to "westerners" - though we DID get to tour both West and East Berlin (going through the Berlin Wall at Check Point Charlie in 1976).  But I digress...

At some point during our tour there I saw a film/read a book/came across the information that this is what skin looks like when it burns (the Cracker Jack thing).  YUCK!!!  The dreams scared me much more once I was aware!  Obviously not enough, however, to stop me from lighting floating candles on my bed ;)

Anyway, I've since met several families who've lost homes due to fire and have subsequently rebuilt, and one whose home suffered significant water damage and has had to move out for major repairs.  I think I'd cut my losses and move on.  I know it's a personal decision, I just feel the memory of the loss would haunt the place, at least for ME.

So what does this have to do with My Midlife Meander???

Well, Friday I'm facing my second mastectomy and, once again, my surgeon broached the subject of reconstruction.  And, once again, I shared with him my decision NOT to "rebuild".

Some of you may think this strange, and I know that many women choose TO rebuild themselves, just not me :)  I'm completely comfortable with this decision.  

Not only is reconstruction after breast cancer NOT like breast augmentation, it involves multiple stages, takes many months of time, and presents significant risks.  I came across THIS article (worth the read!!!) a while back and saved it because I knew at some point I'd be explaining my decision via this blog.  So...???  Did you read it?  I'm NOT knocking or criticizing others' decisions, but can you see why someone of my age, with pre-existing autoimmune issues, might be disinclined to rebuild herself?

BUT... as the surgery date nears, I wonder about "me" afterward.  Hubby has said he's totally okay with it, and I do believe him.  My breasts have served their main purpose, twice, nursing both of our children.  And I've certainly researched my options (HERE's a good resource).  That doesn't mean I'm not lamenting my loss.  This is, after all, yet another piece of my body being cut out or lopped off.  It's made me consider more than once what it really means to be a WOMAN.  No, it's not boobs, or ovaries, or even hormones at this point (we're working to suppress all we can).  Still...

Perhaps if I just had HAIR!  Or at least my brows and lashes back!!! ;)

The blank slate

Eyeliner - check!

Eyebrow #1 - check!

Eyebrow #2 - check!

So, I'm ready for Friday, and to move on rather than rebuild.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.

Psalm 139:14

AND I'm ready for CHRISTMAS - house is decorated and nearly all my wrapping is done :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the way, we also changed the batteries in our smoke detectors at "Fall Back" time!

Nubbins!!! And some thoughts about next steps...

I REALLY should be grading some essays, the ones I assigned my "Geography for Teachers" students but for which I apparently didn't offer enough pre-game coaching...  Next time I'll have to teach the power writing strategy (fodder for a later blog post???).  Oh well, live and learn - that's certainly become my motto ;)

So, here are my nubbins :)

I promise they're there, even if you can't see them yet!  

Maybe I WILL have some actual hair by Christmas :tup

Well it's December, and finally my surgery month is upon me.

I have a busy week ahead of this Friday's S#1 - the oophorectomy (think I've been spelling it wrong ;) ); actually it's a salpingo-oophorectomy (LINK for more info).
Tomorrow I've got to finish grading those essays, along with a couple of peer teaching lesson plans, a late current event, and several field experience write-ups.  Not my favorite thing to do... but, have I told you how much I LOVE my job???  Truly :) :) :)  I've also got to get my syllabus going for the new Master's course I'm teaching next semester, "The American High School" (SO excited) - this task doesn't need to be done, or even considered tomorrow, just something on my list during surgery month.
Then, Tuesday is the last class meeting with my "Social Studies Methods" group (when another 5 peer teaching thingies land in my lap to grade - though, if they're anything like the first 2 I'll be super pleased :tup ).  These students nearly made me cry last week when we somehow got on the subject of useful courses and they shared how much they've enjoyed my class - one said it was the "best class she's ever taken," and another said she was telling everyone, "You've got to take Dr. Rambo's class!" And, they made my day by agreeing they all got so much out of the course and that everything we did was totally worthwhile (big smile and my uni-boob chest sticking out with pride).  I share this not to brag at all, but because the semester has been a true challenge, what with this cancer thing going on and all ;) .  I personally felt a but discombobulated but, hey, guess I disguised it pretty well!
Wednesday is my last meeting with my G for Teachers class - their mini lessons and final exam will happen during my 4.5 hours with them, and...
Thursday brings  pre-op first thing in the morning with my GYN, then pre-op at the hospital, then it's off to D-town (or village ;) - that's Demorest, where Piedmont College's main campus is (I teach both there and at the campus in Athens) - for two of my MAT students' final research presentations in the evening (These guys are an interesting pair, both did a really good job with their actual research projects, but turned in less-than-stellar :( papers which I proceeded to mark up with gusto - no, I'm not THAT picky but, c'mon, MY seal of approval has to go on these things so suck it up and do it write, dudes ;)  They will, and they'll make great high school teachers too!).
And, finally, Friday we've got to be at the hospital by 6 am for S#1 at 8 am.  I did mention I had a busy week ahead, right???  (Oh, and Sunday some of my besties are coming to visit!)

I'm not too nervous about this one.  It's laparoscopic and should only take a couple of hours.  I've had some folks ask (1) why I'm having this done, (2) will I have to start on hormone replacement, and (3) why I'm not having a total hysterectomy.  

ANSWERS:

(1) Because I have the BRCA2 gene.  Even having gone through a partial right-side radical mastectomy and 17 weeks of chemo, the odds remain high (50-70%) for another breast cancer.  That's ANOTHER breast cancer, not a recurrence, which is still possible - but we won't go there because I'm being Patty Positive (most days ;) ).  A salpingo-oophorectomy reduces not only these odds, but also the way-higher-than-average likelihood of ovarian cancer (30-40% with BRCA compared with less than 5% for the general population).  So, yes, I'm having this done at the urging of both my GYN and oncologist.

(2) NO hormone replacement!  My cancer cells are are hormone receptor-positive, which means estrogen and progesterone actually feed them!!!  Nope - they're going to be starved!  In fact, I mentioned this before, I've got to start taking an aromatase inhibitor to suppress the remaining estrogen released by my adrenal glands once this surgery is over.

Hot flashes and general bit€hiness anyone??? (lol)

(3) I don't have any problems with my uterus, and removal of it won't do anything for my odds.  So why take something out that, if we did, might cause other issues, like my bladder to fall???  Just the ovaries and fallopian tubes for me baby :tup

S#2 is scheduled for the following week, Friday the 13th of December - WHY did I insist on that date???  Really just to give myself maximum recovery time - especially from that one (I'll post later on the plan for S#2 - I'm going at this one step at a time [unlike my typical modus operandi of going at EVERYTHING at the same time ;) ]).

One more thing before I wrap this up.  We went to see hubby's dad today.  Some of you know he's in end-stage Parkinson's and I've not been able to visit him since I started chemo (he's also in Augusta, so it's a long drive).  He was more lucid than I expected - knew all of us by name and gave us a couple of smiles.  In fact, sis-in-law said he significantly perked up when hubby came in the door <3  This has been an especially difficult 6 months for hubby (and his sisters and brothers).  So, if you're a praying person - and I know many of you are! - please add him to your list :angel

Wishing each of you the best this Christmas season!

Hot flash image from: http://www.drybabe.com/blog/menopause-hot-flash-or-hot-flush/ 
Flashing Christmas tree image from: http://www.christmas-graphics-plus.com/free/animated-christmas-trees.html