Walking on the Wild Side ;)

I know I've mentioned at least once (or twice, or three times) my controlling nature and tendency toward impatience.  Well, I've ALSO been traditionally deemed "unfun" by my family.

Not that they've hated being around me (at least I don't think so), or haven't loved me anyway (I KNOW so :) ), I just don't laugh at the same lame jokes, join in their frequently immature antics, or offer up my own punnies...

...that is until my latest surgery, now 2.3 weeks ago, when - apparently - my "Fun Inhibitor" was removed!!!

Yes, folks, I've actually laughed at inappropriate jokes, even shared a few myself, and otherwise amazed my family - or at least amused them - in my current boobless, not-as-bald, and newly brow-full state ;)  Anchorman 2 is even on my "Must See" list!

--------------------------------------------

Best Mama, precious daughter, and I went out for a post-Christmas lunch on Thursday (really to get new boots for p. daughter since her "smart" mom ordered a cute-but-ankle-turning-prone pair from a non-returnable site [WARNING: Don't be tempted by the deals on Zulily unless you know the purchase is for keeps!] - fortunately they fit me :e ). 

Well, my typically cold nature turned hot in the restaurant, and my head started sweating profusely under my cancer patient disguise, a.k.a hat (thank you winter weather for allowing me to look "normal" - lol!).  I mentioned this, and my usually conservative mother said, "Why don't you take it off?"  And I DID!!!  We sat there eating (me a most delicious gluten-free pizza), I in my nearly-bald glory, in PUBLIC!  When I went to re-don the hat I noticed an adorable little girl, perhaps 5 years old, watching me wide-eyed.  I just smiled, and she returned it with the cutest grin :)

By the way, I trust that each of you had a wonderful Christmas!!!  

We did, spread across several days, as it was, to accommodate various schedules - amazing son's not big on pictures ;)  and I neglected to take any with hubby's fam Christmas Eve and brother's fam yesterday :o

We had a minor holiday interruption when my faithful, sometimes ferocious (especially when anyone attempts to keep him from me, like after surgery when this rotten thing growled at hubby and p. daughter [did I ever share that he's really HER pet???]) - and now FAT - Mini Cooper had a visit to the vet for a likely skin allergy (biting and scratching like crazy).   It must be time for me to get moving again with this formerly 19- now nearly 25-pound pup!!!

No one WALKS him like me :D

FIRST to open his presents Christmas morning ;)

So, what about that "WILD SIDE" ???

I got these great, fleece-lined leggings for Christmas from best Mama, but had nothing (long enough) to wear with them b/c they're tan!  I found something at a boutique I'd never have entered  - save with precious daughter.  

When I came downstairs with it on yesterday, hubby commented, "Woo! Look at you!" 

"Don't you like it?" I asked.  

"Yeah, it's a little wild!" he responded with a smile ;)

Perhaps 2014 will not only be healthier, but more fun, and even a bit WILD!!!

Oh, oh, oh!!!  

Can't forget to share the progress:

MORE fuzzies and MY VERY OWN bushy eyebrows!!!

Still having a hard time finding the energy to make  it through an entire day, but I know that will come in time!  Also have to get a handle on the chemo-induced neuropathy that's inhibiting my sleep -- #QuestionsForJanuaryAppointments.  Otherwise all is well :tup

Hope that you all have a safe and very HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The BEST Christmas Gift!

I'm done, REALLY DONE!!!

For those of you who wish to skip the recap, scroll down to the "chicken cutlet" picture ;)

It's been a looooooong 7+ months...

On May 5th of this year, I found the lump.

On May 6th my gyn (angel #1 :angel ) felt it too and sent me for a dx mammo and ultrasound.

On May 8th both tests were negative for any abnormalities, and on May 9th I went to working thinking all was well with my world.

On May 10th my gyn called and suggested I consult a surgeon.  "Why," I asked, "didn't you get the test results?"  

"Humor me" he said. "You and I both felt something.  I just want another set of hands, to be sure."  And he gave me a number.  My plan was to call in a couple of weeks, once the school year was over.

On May 14th the written test report arrived.  "We are happy to inform you that your recent breast imaging study shows NO ABNORMALITIES TO SUGGEST BREAST CANCER," it read, literally, caps and all.  So I went on about my business, satisfied again that all was well with my world.

On May 22nd my gyn's nurse called.  She had contacted the surgeon's office and discovered I'd not yet made an appointment.  "I know you're a busy teacher," she said, "but Dr. K. ( :angel #1) wants you to see the surgeon."

"But, but... the test results, the letter, it said I was fine!  And I will see the surgeon, if I need to, once school is out."

She made the appointment for me.

On May 30th I saw the surgeon, :angel #2, who told us he needed to biopsy the mass to be sure.  Said he would take a conical section to get enough tissue to check.  Told us, "Don't worry right now, let's just see."

On June 4th I had a surgical biopsy.  The only thing hubby remembers is Dr. M., :angel #2, saying he took part of the mass, and that it was "pretty gritty."

On June 6th, our 26th anniversary, we got the news. :angel #2 shared, "I'm sorry, but you've got Breast Cancer."  Of no consequence were my 14 previous years of annual mammograms.  He would need to take my entire breast - a lumpectomy was not possible - and wanted to schedule it ASAP due to the aggressive nature of my tumor (grade 3).

On June 7th I had an MRI to check my left breast.  It was this day I told amazing son (precious daughter was still away working at camp).

On June 12th, at the urging of :angel #2, we met with a reconstructive surgeon so we'd know about future options.

On June 13th I got the "all clear" on my left breast per MRI.

On June 15th precious daughter came home - we had to break the news...

On June 18th I lost my right breast and 9 lymph nodes.

On June 20th I had my first post-op to check for healing.

On June 27th I had my second post-op and my surgical drains were removed.  We also got the final pathology:  breast tumor was a little over 3 cm, 2 lymph nodes turned up positive, along with some extra-nodal metastases, the largest of which was .8 cm.

On July 2nd we met with my oncologist, :angel #3, and we set a plan for aggressive chemo.  He also drew blood for the BRCA test.

On July 5th I had an echocardiogram to ensure my heart was strong enough for one of the nastier chemo drugs.

On July 9th I had my port inserted by :angel #2

On July 17th I had my first chemo treatment (Adriamycin and Cytoxan), and on July 18th a post-chemo Neulasta injection.

On July 24 I had post-chemo bloodwork and got the news I'm BRCA positive.

On July 31st I had round 2 of chemo and precious daughter had blood drawn for the BRCA test, then on August 1st a Neulasta injection.

On August 7th I had post-chemo bloodwork.

On August 14th I had chemo #3, AND got the great news precious daughter is BRCA negative!!  Back on August 15th for a Neulasta injection.

On August 21st I had post-chemo bloodwork.  Dear brother came along to have blood drawn for BRCA testing.

On August 26th, following some serious side effects, I had to have a hemerrhoidectomy - :angel#2 again.  This threw off my chemo regimen by a week.

On September 4th I was back in the hot seat for chemo #4.  We also got great news that dear brother is BRCA negative too!  Later in the afternoon we met with :angel #1 about removal of my ovaries due to my BRCA status.  Then on September 5th it was back to the chemo suite for a Neulasta injection.

On September 11th I had post-chemo bloodwork.

On September 18th I had chemo #5 (new regimen - Taxol), and on September 19th another Neulasta shot.  At some point during this week I met again with :angel #2 about a left side mastectomy due to BRCA.

On September 25th we got the awesome news that amazing son is also BRCA negative!!!  And I had post-chemo bloodwork.

On October 2nd I had chemo #6, followed by a Neulasta shot on October 3rd.

On October 9th it was post-chemo bloodwork, again.

On October 16th, chemo #7, with Neulasta on October 17th.

On October 23rd, post-chemo labs.

AND, October 30th was #8, my LAST chemo :tup

Of course October 31st was the last Neulasta shot (Did I ever mention these bad boys cost $10,516 EACH???), and I was back on November 6th for labs.

On November 18th we met with :angel #2 to schedule my 2nd mastectomy.

On December 5th I pre-op'd for both surgeries (ovary removal & mastectomy) - the frequent flyer benefit :)

On December 6th it was surgery #1 (really #5, but who's counting?).

Then, a week later, on December 13th I had surgery #2. 

On December 16th I went in BALD and BOOBLESS for a post-op for surgery #2 (really #6 b/c I AM counting ;)  )  This is when :angel #2 expressed awe at my ability to heal so well :)  AND informed me of my clean path report - NO signs of cancer in left breast or sentinel nodes :e

On December 19th I had my post-op for surgery #2 (really #5).  Dr. K. ( :angel #1) gave me the A-okay, clean path report (he'd called me December 12th to let me know) :tup (just no heavy lifting for 3 more weeks - really he said no housework for a year, but then winked at hubby).  Then, I went to :angel #2 to have my post-surgical drains removed, and nearly cried holding his hand as he informed me I was "Done" - I DID cry in the car, happy tears of course!

Think I should burn my 2013 calendar - OR save it as a souvenir?

Chicken cutlet?  Really???

TODAY, precious daughter chauffeured me to the pink boutique to get my second "sister" (aka chicken cutlet).  When she attached this moniker to my prosthesis (this is how she explained what it looks like to a friend) I nearly tore stitches laughing so hard - lol :D

So... other than the resting and healing, I'm officially DONE!!!  Oh, and I have REAL eyebrows and eyelashes growing in thicker each day :party

I've reached the stage of SURVIVOR and it doesn't quite feel real.  
I will see my PCP on January 10th, and :angel #3 again on January 21st (and every 3 months for the next year), BUT, I'm still done!

Done done DONE done doNe DonE 

DONE

MERRY CHRISTMAS to me :)

And to EACH of you, my virtual :angel s, who've provided me support and encouragement throughout this Midlife Meander.

I'll keep you updated as I move into the new year (hair growth - lol, check ups, and such) but will not post as regularly, since I'm hoping for a straighter, more predictable path in 2014 :)

My flesh and my heart may fail,

    but God is the strength of my heart

    and my portion forever.

~Psalm 73:26~

Meander pic from: http://www.bbc.co.uk/northernireland/landscapes/lev2_rivers_meanders_script.shtml

Timing ISN'T Everything... OR, Life According to God's Plan

Some of you know that all the while, throughout MY ordeal/journey/midlife meander, hubby's dear Dad has been in poor health.

We lost MY own most-fantastic-of-all-daddies-ever father nearly 15 years ago (gosh, actually typing that seems unreal because I remember it like yesterday...), and hubby's wonderfully giving servant-to-everyone mother in 2004.

Precious daughter and I were chatting last night, reminiscing, and I shared my fortune at having all four of my own grandparents at our wedding:

Maybe that's unusual, maybe not.  My children won't be so fortunate.

Nonetheless, this world lost, and heaven gained, a special man yesterday :angel

I'd been thinking for sometime, since his health has been in decline, of times past - memories of him in better days.  Here are a couple of pix I dug out (with help ;)  ) from our early family albums:

This last one is Pops with precious daughter - hate its lack of clarity (Perhaps that's b/c I tried to do this one w/o assistance :brow  It's a poorly done Turboscan [Yes, I'm endorsing a pretty cool iPhone app that works most of the time!]).

There are so many more, but these are the sweetest :h

Hubby is so much like him.  It's funny (and awesome) that as Pops' health declined, hubby's visits made him light up and smile :)

His last few weeks were spent in Augusta, where hubby's brother lives, due to the need for progressively more care.  We went to visit as a family the weekend before my first latest surgery, two weeks ago.  Pops was, for a short time, lucid and knew all of us.  He asked about me, smiled at our shared bald heads, and spoke (whispered) with the kids (about amazing son's job and precious daughter's school)... and laughed as hubby wheeled around the room in the wheelchair :D.  The end came fast and was, I pray, relatively painless.

He will be missed very much.  Please think of dear hubby this week as final plans are made and my special father-in-law is remembered.

On Choosing Not to Rebuild... and Other Random Thoughts

I've never lost a house.

I used to have these strange dreams that I would die in a fire.  For years as a child an image would appear to me, not whole (somehow I could tell).  I'd see a whitish surface, almost doughy, then watch it morph, like turning into a Cracker Jack.

Well it must have been sometime when I was in 7th or 8th grade (because I know we were living in Europe at the time) - by the way, have you ever played with Google Earth???  WAY too much fun...
Here's where we lived:

Ours was the left side of the duplex just above the "n" in Finsen.

I remember riding my bike around and around and around that oval (our "track").

This was (is) on the SHAPE Military base (Supreme Headquarters Allied Powers Europe).

We lived there for 3 years - some of my most memorable :)

I walked to school through that thick of trees at the top of the shot - with my hands in front of my face to prevent running smack into a tree when it got SO foggy you couldn't see a foot in front of you (often).

And, here's the front of the base:

The Google Earth guys obviously picked a "typical" day for this shot!  Dank and dreary.

The flags represent each NATO member country.  There were fewer during my days there - in fact Eastern Europe was not generally accessible to "westerners" - though we DID get to tour both West and East Berlin (going through the Berlin Wall at Check Point Charlie in 1976).  But I digress...

At some point during our tour there I saw a film/read a book/came across the information that this is what skin looks like when it burns (the Cracker Jack thing).  YUCK!!!  The dreams scared me much more once I was aware!  Obviously not enough, however, to stop me from lighting floating candles on my bed ;)

Anyway, I've since met several families who've lost homes due to fire and have subsequently rebuilt, and one whose home suffered significant water damage and has had to move out for major repairs.  I think I'd cut my losses and move on.  I know it's a personal decision, I just feel the memory of the loss would haunt the place, at least for ME.

So what does this have to do with My Midlife Meander???

Well, Friday I'm facing my second mastectomy and, once again, my surgeon broached the subject of reconstruction.  And, once again, I shared with him my decision NOT to "rebuild".

Some of you may think this strange, and I know that many women choose TO rebuild themselves, just not me :)  I'm completely comfortable with this decision.  

Not only is reconstruction after breast cancer NOT like breast augmentation, it involves multiple stages, takes many months of time, and presents significant risks.  I came across THIS article (worth the read!!!) a while back and saved it because I knew at some point I'd be explaining my decision via this blog.  So...???  Did you read it?  I'm NOT knocking or criticizing others' decisions, but can you see why someone of my age, with pre-existing autoimmune issues, might be disinclined to rebuild herself?

BUT... as the surgery date nears, I wonder about "me" afterward.  Hubby has said he's totally okay with it, and I do believe him.  My breasts have served their main purpose, twice, nursing both of our children.  And I've certainly researched my options (HERE's a good resource).  That doesn't mean I'm not lamenting my loss.  This is, after all, yet another piece of my body being cut out or lopped off.  It's made me consider more than once what it really means to be a WOMAN.  No, it's not boobs, or ovaries, or even hormones at this point (we're working to suppress all we can).  Still...

Perhaps if I just had HAIR!  Or at least my brows and lashes back!!! ;)

The blank slate

Eyeliner - check!

Eyebrow #1 - check!

Eyebrow #2 - check!

So, I'm ready for Friday, and to move on rather than rebuild.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.

Psalm 139:14

AND I'm ready for CHRISTMAS - house is decorated and nearly all my wrapping is done :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the way, we also changed the batteries in our smoke detectors at "Fall Back" time!

Nubbins!!! And some thoughts about next steps...

I REALLY should be grading some essays, the ones I assigned my "Geography for Teachers" students but for which I apparently didn't offer enough pre-game coaching...  Next time I'll have to teach the power writing strategy (fodder for a later blog post???).  Oh well, live and learn - that's certainly become my motto ;)

So, here are my nubbins :)

I promise they're there, even if you can't see them yet!  

Maybe I WILL have some actual hair by Christmas :tup

Well it's December, and finally my surgery month is upon me.

I have a busy week ahead of this Friday's S#1 - the oophorectomy (think I've been spelling it wrong ;) ); actually it's a salpingo-oophorectomy (LINK for more info).
Tomorrow I've got to finish grading those essays, along with a couple of peer teaching lesson plans, a late current event, and several field experience write-ups.  Not my favorite thing to do... but, have I told you how much I LOVE my job???  Truly :) :) :)  I've also got to get my syllabus going for the new Master's course I'm teaching next semester, "The American High School" (SO excited) - this task doesn't need to be done, or even considered tomorrow, just something on my list during surgery month.
Then, Tuesday is the last class meeting with my "Social Studies Methods" group (when another 5 peer teaching thingies land in my lap to grade - though, if they're anything like the first 2 I'll be super pleased :tup ).  These students nearly made me cry last week when we somehow got on the subject of useful courses and they shared how much they've enjoyed my class - one said it was the "best class she's ever taken," and another said she was telling everyone, "You've got to take Dr. Rambo's class!" And, they made my day by agreeing they all got so much out of the course and that everything we did was totally worthwhile (big smile and my uni-boob chest sticking out with pride).  I share this not to brag at all, but because the semester has been a true challenge, what with this cancer thing going on and all ;) .  I personally felt a but discombobulated but, hey, guess I disguised it pretty well!
Wednesday is my last meeting with my G for Teachers class - their mini lessons and final exam will happen during my 4.5 hours with them, and...
Thursday brings  pre-op first thing in the morning with my GYN, then pre-op at the hospital, then it's off to D-town (or village ;) - that's Demorest, where Piedmont College's main campus is (I teach both there and at the campus in Athens) - for two of my MAT students' final research presentations in the evening (These guys are an interesting pair, both did a really good job with their actual research projects, but turned in less-than-stellar :( papers which I proceeded to mark up with gusto - no, I'm not THAT picky but, c'mon, MY seal of approval has to go on these things so suck it up and do it write, dudes ;)  They will, and they'll make great high school teachers too!).
And, finally, Friday we've got to be at the hospital by 6 am for S#1 at 8 am.  I did mention I had a busy week ahead, right???  (Oh, and Sunday some of my besties are coming to visit!)

I'm not too nervous about this one.  It's laparoscopic and should only take a couple of hours.  I've had some folks ask (1) why I'm having this done, (2) will I have to start on hormone replacement, and (3) why I'm not having a total hysterectomy.  

ANSWERS:

(1) Because I have the BRCA2 gene.  Even having gone through a partial right-side radical mastectomy and 17 weeks of chemo, the odds remain high (50-70%) for another breast cancer.  That's ANOTHER breast cancer, not a recurrence, which is still possible - but we won't go there because I'm being Patty Positive (most days ;) ).  A salpingo-oophorectomy reduces not only these odds, but also the way-higher-than-average likelihood of ovarian cancer (30-40% with BRCA compared with less than 5% for the general population).  So, yes, I'm having this done at the urging of both my GYN and oncologist.

(2) NO hormone replacement!  My cancer cells are are hormone receptor-positive, which means estrogen and progesterone actually feed them!!!  Nope - they're going to be starved!  In fact, I mentioned this before, I've got to start taking an aromatase inhibitor to suppress the remaining estrogen released by my adrenal glands once this surgery is over.

Hot flashes and general bit€hiness anyone??? (lol)

(3) I don't have any problems with my uterus, and removal of it won't do anything for my odds.  So why take something out that, if we did, might cause other issues, like my bladder to fall???  Just the ovaries and fallopian tubes for me baby :tup

S#2 is scheduled for the following week, Friday the 13th of December - WHY did I insist on that date???  Really just to give myself maximum recovery time - especially from that one (I'll post later on the plan for S#2 - I'm going at this one step at a time [unlike my typical modus operandi of going at EVERYTHING at the same time ;) ]).

One more thing before I wrap this up.  We went to see hubby's dad today.  Some of you know he's in end-stage Parkinson's and I've not been able to visit him since I started chemo (he's also in Augusta, so it's a long drive).  He was more lucid than I expected - knew all of us by name and gave us a couple of smiles.  In fact, sis-in-law said he significantly perked up when hubby came in the door <3  This has been an especially difficult 6 months for hubby (and his sisters and brothers).  So, if you're a praying person - and I know many of you are! - please add him to your list :angel

Wishing each of you the best this Christmas season!

Hot flash image from: http://www.drybabe.com/blog/menopause-hot-flash-or-hot-flush/ 
Flashing Christmas tree image from: http://www.christmas-graphics-plus.com/free/animated-christmas-trees.html