...and reheat my coffee (in my beautiful new handcrafted mug), retreat to my back deck (badly in need of repainting) with not-so-mini Cooper to reflect.
Two dear people have recently been diagnosed with cancer and have asked my advice. Their questions give me pause...,
"Did I actually go through this?"
I have to stop, and trace my steps backward - a reliving of sorts. It's odd.
These are both strong, beautiful women, one a colleague (liver cancer), the other a former student, only 27 years old (breast cancer). Life seems so unfair!!! I want to scream out loud, "WHY???" even though I don't think that way about my own cancer anymore.
Most days my own journey through diagnosis, surgeries, treatment, and recovery are distant memories, buried under the busy-ness of daily life.
Even looks at my breast-less self in the mirror seem "normal" (most days).
Even looks at my breast-less self in the mirror seem "normal" (most days).
Then it happens to someone else, and my heart breaks.
The feelings come streaming back, a door to my own past, one that's merely ajar (most days), opens wide... and it's visceral. I empathize with their pain, their fears, their questions, trepidations, tears, and that hard-to-describe rug-pulled-out-from-under-your-feet sensation.
The feelings come streaming back, a door to my own past, one that's merely ajar (most days), opens wide... and it's visceral. I empathize with their pain, their fears, their questions, trepidations, tears, and that hard-to-describe rug-pulled-out-from-under-your-feet sensation.
THEN, I realize how far I've come. That prayers, support, love sustained me as it will these two.
A blip on the radar...
We had our faculty orientation this week during which recent years' performance was shared and goals for the future outlined (you all know the drill). Oddly, I likened the brief downturn in our enrollment numbers/retention rate/overall funding to MY brief downturn. Just another part of life, a blip on my radar.
In the middle it's SO hard to see through. We get lost in what feels like a whirlwind, a trap or maze you can't escape. You feel paralyzed at times and it's tough to even put one foot in front of the other. I get this.
You do too.
It's not just cancer. Life itself serves up CRAP. I don't know why, and I'm not sure that matters.
Perspective does. Reactions do.
In conversation with one of these dear women yesterday we wondered about positivity. "I don't know why I'm not really worried... I feel positive, and I know I'm going to get through this," she shared, even though her cancer is serious and rare. I don't know either, but I understand that feeling.
Cancer put things in perspective for me in a way no other life experience has. I KNOW what matters now. It's truly not my yard (that needs resodding), my deck, my laundry, my office piles, or my work emails. It's people and relationships. It's family and friends.
And doggies ;)
Happy weekend, and happy first days of school to my teacher friends with students (and former STUDENTS with students) who need you even if they don't know it yet :)
