Walking on the Wild Side ;)

I know I've mentioned at least once (or twice, or three times) my controlling nature and tendency toward impatience.  Well, I've ALSO been traditionally deemed "unfun" by my family.

Not that they've hated being around me (at least I don't think so), or haven't loved me anyway (I KNOW so :) ), I just don't laugh at the same lame jokes, join in their frequently immature antics, or offer up my own punnies...

...that is until my latest surgery, now 2.3 weeks ago, when - apparently - my "Fun Inhibitor" was removed!!!

Yes, folks, I've actually laughed at inappropriate jokes, even shared a few myself, and otherwise amazed my family - or at least amused them - in my current boobless, not-as-bald, and newly brow-full state ;)  Anchorman 2 is even on my "Must See" list!

--------------------------------------------

Best Mama, precious daughter, and I went out for a post-Christmas lunch on Thursday (really to get new boots for p. daughter since her "smart" mom ordered a cute-but-ankle-turning-prone pair from a non-returnable site [WARNING: Don't be tempted by the deals on Zulily unless you know the purchase is for keeps!] - fortunately they fit me :e ). 

Well, my typically cold nature turned hot in the restaurant, and my head started sweating profusely under my cancer patient disguise, a.k.a hat (thank you winter weather for allowing me to look "normal" - lol!).  I mentioned this, and my usually conservative mother said, "Why don't you take it off?"  And I DID!!!  We sat there eating (me a most delicious gluten-free pizza), I in my nearly-bald glory, in PUBLIC!  When I went to re-don the hat I noticed an adorable little girl, perhaps 5 years old, watching me wide-eyed.  I just smiled, and she returned it with the cutest grin :)

By the way, I trust that each of you had a wonderful Christmas!!!  

We did, spread across several days, as it was, to accommodate various schedules - amazing son's not big on pictures ;)  and I neglected to take any with hubby's fam Christmas Eve and brother's fam yesterday :o

We had a minor holiday interruption when my faithful, sometimes ferocious (especially when anyone attempts to keep him from me, like after surgery when this rotten thing growled at hubby and p. daughter [did I ever share that he's really HER pet???]) - and now FAT - Mini Cooper had a visit to the vet for a likely skin allergy (biting and scratching like crazy).   It must be time for me to get moving again with this formerly 19- now nearly 25-pound pup!!!

No one WALKS him like me :D

FIRST to open his presents Christmas morning ;)

So, what about that "WILD SIDE" ???

I got these great, fleece-lined leggings for Christmas from best Mama, but had nothing (long enough) to wear with them b/c they're tan!  I found something at a boutique I'd never have entered  - save with precious daughter.  

When I came downstairs with it on yesterday, hubby commented, "Woo! Look at you!" 

"Don't you like it?" I asked.  

"Yeah, it's a little wild!" he responded with a smile ;)

Perhaps 2014 will not only be healthier, but more fun, and even a bit WILD!!!

Oh, oh, oh!!!  

Can't forget to share the progress:

MORE fuzzies and MY VERY OWN bushy eyebrows!!!

Still having a hard time finding the energy to make  it through an entire day, but I know that will come in time!  Also have to get a handle on the chemo-induced neuropathy that's inhibiting my sleep -- #QuestionsForJanuaryAppointments.  Otherwise all is well :tup

Hope that you all have a safe and very HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The BEST Christmas Gift!

I'm done, REALLY DONE!!!

For those of you who wish to skip the recap, scroll down to the "chicken cutlet" picture ;)

It's been a looooooong 7+ months...

On May 5th of this year, I found the lump.

On May 6th my gyn (angel #1 :angel ) felt it too and sent me for a dx mammo and ultrasound.

On May 8th both tests were negative for any abnormalities, and on May 9th I went to working thinking all was well with my world.

On May 10th my gyn called and suggested I consult a surgeon.  "Why," I asked, "didn't you get the test results?"  

"Humor me" he said. "You and I both felt something.  I just want another set of hands, to be sure."  And he gave me a number.  My plan was to call in a couple of weeks, once the school year was over.

On May 14th the written test report arrived.  "We are happy to inform you that your recent breast imaging study shows NO ABNORMALITIES TO SUGGEST BREAST CANCER," it read, literally, caps and all.  So I went on about my business, satisfied again that all was well with my world.

On May 22nd my gyn's nurse called.  She had contacted the surgeon's office and discovered I'd not yet made an appointment.  "I know you're a busy teacher," she said, "but Dr. K. ( :angel #1) wants you to see the surgeon."

"But, but... the test results, the letter, it said I was fine!  And I will see the surgeon, if I need to, once school is out."

She made the appointment for me.

On May 30th I saw the surgeon, :angel #2, who told us he needed to biopsy the mass to be sure.  Said he would take a conical section to get enough tissue to check.  Told us, "Don't worry right now, let's just see."

On June 4th I had a surgical biopsy.  The only thing hubby remembers is Dr. M., :angel #2, saying he took part of the mass, and that it was "pretty gritty."

On June 6th, our 26th anniversary, we got the news. :angel #2 shared, "I'm sorry, but you've got Breast Cancer."  Of no consequence were my 14 previous years of annual mammograms.  He would need to take my entire breast - a lumpectomy was not possible - and wanted to schedule it ASAP due to the aggressive nature of my tumor (grade 3).

On June 7th I had an MRI to check my left breast.  It was this day I told amazing son (precious daughter was still away working at camp).

On June 12th, at the urging of :angel #2, we met with a reconstructive surgeon so we'd know about future options.

On June 13th I got the "all clear" on my left breast per MRI.

On June 15th precious daughter came home - we had to break the news...

On June 18th I lost my right breast and 9 lymph nodes.

On June 20th I had my first post-op to check for healing.

On June 27th I had my second post-op and my surgical drains were removed.  We also got the final pathology:  breast tumor was a little over 3 cm, 2 lymph nodes turned up positive, along with some extra-nodal metastases, the largest of which was .8 cm.

On July 2nd we met with my oncologist, :angel #3, and we set a plan for aggressive chemo.  He also drew blood for the BRCA test.

On July 5th I had an echocardiogram to ensure my heart was strong enough for one of the nastier chemo drugs.

On July 9th I had my port inserted by :angel #2

On July 17th I had my first chemo treatment (Adriamycin and Cytoxan), and on July 18th a post-chemo Neulasta injection.

On July 24 I had post-chemo bloodwork and got the news I'm BRCA positive.

On July 31st I had round 2 of chemo and precious daughter had blood drawn for the BRCA test, then on August 1st a Neulasta injection.

On August 7th I had post-chemo bloodwork.

On August 14th I had chemo #3, AND got the great news precious daughter is BRCA negative!!  Back on August 15th for a Neulasta injection.

On August 21st I had post-chemo bloodwork.  Dear brother came along to have blood drawn for BRCA testing.

On August 26th, following some serious side effects, I had to have a hemerrhoidectomy - :angel#2 again.  This threw off my chemo regimen by a week.

On September 4th I was back in the hot seat for chemo #4.  We also got great news that dear brother is BRCA negative too!  Later in the afternoon we met with :angel #1 about removal of my ovaries due to my BRCA status.  Then on September 5th it was back to the chemo suite for a Neulasta injection.

On September 11th I had post-chemo bloodwork.

On September 18th I had chemo #5 (new regimen - Taxol), and on September 19th another Neulasta shot.  At some point during this week I met again with :angel #2 about a left side mastectomy due to BRCA.

On September 25th we got the awesome news that amazing son is also BRCA negative!!!  And I had post-chemo bloodwork.

On October 2nd I had chemo #6, followed by a Neulasta shot on October 3rd.

On October 9th it was post-chemo bloodwork, again.

On October 16th, chemo #7, with Neulasta on October 17th.

On October 23rd, post-chemo labs.

AND, October 30th was #8, my LAST chemo :tup

Of course October 31st was the last Neulasta shot (Did I ever mention these bad boys cost $10,516 EACH???), and I was back on November 6th for labs.

On November 18th we met with :angel #2 to schedule my 2nd mastectomy.

On December 5th I pre-op'd for both surgeries (ovary removal & mastectomy) - the frequent flyer benefit :)

On December 6th it was surgery #1 (really #5, but who's counting?).

Then, a week later, on December 13th I had surgery #2. 

On December 16th I went in BALD and BOOBLESS for a post-op for surgery #2 (really #6 b/c I AM counting ;)  )  This is when :angel #2 expressed awe at my ability to heal so well :)  AND informed me of my clean path report - NO signs of cancer in left breast or sentinel nodes :e

On December 19th I had my post-op for surgery #2 (really #5).  Dr. K. ( :angel #1) gave me the A-okay, clean path report (he'd called me December 12th to let me know) :tup (just no heavy lifting for 3 more weeks - really he said no housework for a year, but then winked at hubby).  Then, I went to :angel #2 to have my post-surgical drains removed, and nearly cried holding his hand as he informed me I was "Done" - I DID cry in the car, happy tears of course!

Think I should burn my 2013 calendar - OR save it as a souvenir?

Chicken cutlet?  Really???

TODAY, precious daughter chauffeured me to the pink boutique to get my second "sister" (aka chicken cutlet).  When she attached this moniker to my prosthesis (this is how she explained what it looks like to a friend) I nearly tore stitches laughing so hard - lol :D

So... other than the resting and healing, I'm officially DONE!!!  Oh, and I have REAL eyebrows and eyelashes growing in thicker each day :party

I've reached the stage of SURVIVOR and it doesn't quite feel real.  
I will see my PCP on January 10th, and :angel #3 again on January 21st (and every 3 months for the next year), BUT, I'm still done!

Done done DONE done doNe DonE 

DONE

MERRY CHRISTMAS to me :)

And to EACH of you, my virtual :angel s, who've provided me support and encouragement throughout this Midlife Meander.

I'll keep you updated as I move into the new year (hair growth - lol, check ups, and such) but will not post as regularly, since I'm hoping for a straighter, more predictable path in 2014 :)

My flesh and my heart may fail,

    but God is the strength of my heart

    and my portion forever.

~Psalm 73:26~

Meander pic from: http://www.bbc.co.uk/northernireland/landscapes/lev2_rivers_meanders_script.shtml

Timing ISN'T Everything... OR, Life According to God's Plan

Some of you know that all the while, throughout MY ordeal/journey/midlife meander, hubby's dear Dad has been in poor health.

We lost MY own most-fantastic-of-all-daddies-ever father nearly 15 years ago (gosh, actually typing that seems unreal because I remember it like yesterday...), and hubby's wonderfully giving servant-to-everyone mother in 2004.

Precious daughter and I were chatting last night, reminiscing, and I shared my fortune at having all four of my own grandparents at our wedding:

Maybe that's unusual, maybe not.  My children won't be so fortunate.

Nonetheless, this world lost, and heaven gained, a special man yesterday :angel

I'd been thinking for sometime, since his health has been in decline, of times past - memories of him in better days.  Here are a couple of pix I dug out (with help ;)  ) from our early family albums:

This last one is Pops with precious daughter - hate its lack of clarity (Perhaps that's b/c I tried to do this one w/o assistance :brow  It's a poorly done Turboscan [Yes, I'm endorsing a pretty cool iPhone app that works most of the time!]).

There are so many more, but these are the sweetest :h

Hubby is so much like him.  It's funny (and awesome) that as Pops' health declined, hubby's visits made him light up and smile :)

His last few weeks were spent in Augusta, where hubby's brother lives, due to the need for progressively more care.  We went to visit as a family the weekend before my first latest surgery, two weeks ago.  Pops was, for a short time, lucid and knew all of us.  He asked about me, smiled at our shared bald heads, and spoke (whispered) with the kids (about amazing son's job and precious daughter's school)... and laughed as hubby wheeled around the room in the wheelchair :D.  The end came fast and was, I pray, relatively painless.

He will be missed very much.  Please think of dear hubby this week as final plans are made and my special father-in-law is remembered.

On Choosing Not to Rebuild... and Other Random Thoughts

I've never lost a house.

I used to have these strange dreams that I would die in a fire.  For years as a child an image would appear to me, not whole (somehow I could tell).  I'd see a whitish surface, almost doughy, then watch it morph, like turning into a Cracker Jack.

Well it must have been sometime when I was in 7th or 8th grade (because I know we were living in Europe at the time) - by the way, have you ever played with Google Earth???  WAY too much fun...
Here's where we lived:

Ours was the left side of the duplex just above the "n" in Finsen.

I remember riding my bike around and around and around that oval (our "track").

This was (is) on the SHAPE Military base (Supreme Headquarters Allied Powers Europe).

We lived there for 3 years - some of my most memorable :)

I walked to school through that thick of trees at the top of the shot - with my hands in front of my face to prevent running smack into a tree when it got SO foggy you couldn't see a foot in front of you (often).

And, here's the front of the base:

The Google Earth guys obviously picked a "typical" day for this shot!  Dank and dreary.

The flags represent each NATO member country.  There were fewer during my days there - in fact Eastern Europe was not generally accessible to "westerners" - though we DID get to tour both West and East Berlin (going through the Berlin Wall at Check Point Charlie in 1976).  But I digress...

At some point during our tour there I saw a film/read a book/came across the information that this is what skin looks like when it burns (the Cracker Jack thing).  YUCK!!!  The dreams scared me much more once I was aware!  Obviously not enough, however, to stop me from lighting floating candles on my bed ;)

Anyway, I've since met several families who've lost homes due to fire and have subsequently rebuilt, and one whose home suffered significant water damage and has had to move out for major repairs.  I think I'd cut my losses and move on.  I know it's a personal decision, I just feel the memory of the loss would haunt the place, at least for ME.

So what does this have to do with My Midlife Meander???

Well, Friday I'm facing my second mastectomy and, once again, my surgeon broached the subject of reconstruction.  And, once again, I shared with him my decision NOT to "rebuild".

Some of you may think this strange, and I know that many women choose TO rebuild themselves, just not me :)  I'm completely comfortable with this decision.  

Not only is reconstruction after breast cancer NOT like breast augmentation, it involves multiple stages, takes many months of time, and presents significant risks.  I came across THIS article (worth the read!!!) a while back and saved it because I knew at some point I'd be explaining my decision via this blog.  So...???  Did you read it?  I'm NOT knocking or criticizing others' decisions, but can you see why someone of my age, with pre-existing autoimmune issues, might be disinclined to rebuild herself?

BUT... as the surgery date nears, I wonder about "me" afterward.  Hubby has said he's totally okay with it, and I do believe him.  My breasts have served their main purpose, twice, nursing both of our children.  And I've certainly researched my options (HERE's a good resource).  That doesn't mean I'm not lamenting my loss.  This is, after all, yet another piece of my body being cut out or lopped off.  It's made me consider more than once what it really means to be a WOMAN.  No, it's not boobs, or ovaries, or even hormones at this point (we're working to suppress all we can).  Still...

Perhaps if I just had HAIR!  Or at least my brows and lashes back!!! ;)

The blank slate

Eyeliner - check!

Eyebrow #1 - check!

Eyebrow #2 - check!

So, I'm ready for Friday, and to move on rather than rebuild.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.

Psalm 139:14

AND I'm ready for CHRISTMAS - house is decorated and nearly all my wrapping is done :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the way, we also changed the batteries in our smoke detectors at "Fall Back" time!

Nubbins!!! And some thoughts about next steps...

I REALLY should be grading some essays, the ones I assigned my "Geography for Teachers" students but for which I apparently didn't offer enough pre-game coaching...  Next time I'll have to teach the power writing strategy (fodder for a later blog post???).  Oh well, live and learn - that's certainly become my motto ;)

So, here are my nubbins :)

I promise they're there, even if you can't see them yet!  

Maybe I WILL have some actual hair by Christmas :tup

Well it's December, and finally my surgery month is upon me.

I have a busy week ahead of this Friday's S#1 - the oophorectomy (think I've been spelling it wrong ;) ); actually it's a salpingo-oophorectomy (LINK for more info).
Tomorrow I've got to finish grading those essays, along with a couple of peer teaching lesson plans, a late current event, and several field experience write-ups.  Not my favorite thing to do... but, have I told you how much I LOVE my job???  Truly :) :) :)  I've also got to get my syllabus going for the new Master's course I'm teaching next semester, "The American High School" (SO excited) - this task doesn't need to be done, or even considered tomorrow, just something on my list during surgery month.
Then, Tuesday is the last class meeting with my "Social Studies Methods" group (when another 5 peer teaching thingies land in my lap to grade - though, if they're anything like the first 2 I'll be super pleased :tup ).  These students nearly made me cry last week when we somehow got on the subject of useful courses and they shared how much they've enjoyed my class - one said it was the "best class she's ever taken," and another said she was telling everyone, "You've got to take Dr. Rambo's class!" And, they made my day by agreeing they all got so much out of the course and that everything we did was totally worthwhile (big smile and my uni-boob chest sticking out with pride).  I share this not to brag at all, but because the semester has been a true challenge, what with this cancer thing going on and all ;) .  I personally felt a but discombobulated but, hey, guess I disguised it pretty well!
Wednesday is my last meeting with my G for Teachers class - their mini lessons and final exam will happen during my 4.5 hours with them, and...
Thursday brings  pre-op first thing in the morning with my GYN, then pre-op at the hospital, then it's off to D-town (or village ;) - that's Demorest, where Piedmont College's main campus is (I teach both there and at the campus in Athens) - for two of my MAT students' final research presentations in the evening (These guys are an interesting pair, both did a really good job with their actual research projects, but turned in less-than-stellar :( papers which I proceeded to mark up with gusto - no, I'm not THAT picky but, c'mon, MY seal of approval has to go on these things so suck it up and do it write, dudes ;)  They will, and they'll make great high school teachers too!).
And, finally, Friday we've got to be at the hospital by 6 am for S#1 at 8 am.  I did mention I had a busy week ahead, right???  (Oh, and Sunday some of my besties are coming to visit!)

I'm not too nervous about this one.  It's laparoscopic and should only take a couple of hours.  I've had some folks ask (1) why I'm having this done, (2) will I have to start on hormone replacement, and (3) why I'm not having a total hysterectomy.  

ANSWERS:

(1) Because I have the BRCA2 gene.  Even having gone through a partial right-side radical mastectomy and 17 weeks of chemo, the odds remain high (50-70%) for another breast cancer.  That's ANOTHER breast cancer, not a recurrence, which is still possible - but we won't go there because I'm being Patty Positive (most days ;) ).  A salpingo-oophorectomy reduces not only these odds, but also the way-higher-than-average likelihood of ovarian cancer (30-40% with BRCA compared with less than 5% for the general population).  So, yes, I'm having this done at the urging of both my GYN and oncologist.

(2) NO hormone replacement!  My cancer cells are are hormone receptor-positive, which means estrogen and progesterone actually feed them!!!  Nope - they're going to be starved!  In fact, I mentioned this before, I've got to start taking an aromatase inhibitor to suppress the remaining estrogen released by my adrenal glands once this surgery is over.

Hot flashes and general bit€hiness anyone??? (lol)

(3) I don't have any problems with my uterus, and removal of it won't do anything for my odds.  So why take something out that, if we did, might cause other issues, like my bladder to fall???  Just the ovaries and fallopian tubes for me baby :tup

S#2 is scheduled for the following week, Friday the 13th of December - WHY did I insist on that date???  Really just to give myself maximum recovery time - especially from that one (I'll post later on the plan for S#2 - I'm going at this one step at a time [unlike my typical modus operandi of going at EVERYTHING at the same time ;) ]).

One more thing before I wrap this up.  We went to see hubby's dad today.  Some of you know he's in end-stage Parkinson's and I've not been able to visit him since I started chemo (he's also in Augusta, so it's a long drive).  He was more lucid than I expected - knew all of us by name and gave us a couple of smiles.  In fact, sis-in-law said he significantly perked up when hubby came in the door <3  This has been an especially difficult 6 months for hubby (and his sisters and brothers).  So, if you're a praying person - and I know many of you are! - please add him to your list :angel

Wishing each of you the best this Christmas season!

Hot flash image from: http://www.drybabe.com/blog/menopause-hot-flash-or-hot-flush/ 
Flashing Christmas tree image from: http://www.christmas-graphics-plus.com/free/animated-christmas-trees.html

25 Days Out and...

(Well, really 24, but who's counting??? ;) )

... I'm wondering, "Why?"

• Why am I having so much trouble sleeping?
• Why am I still experiencing pain?
• Why are my eyebrows still falling out??? (though there ARE a few new sprouts on my head, sort of - they're hard to see, but I can feel them!)

Yes, all of this is "NORMAL" but, once again, my lack of patience is making me CRAZY :i

So I got a new hat ;)

Had to break down and call the cancer center nurse line yesterday after 3 nights of literally NO sleep this week (well, I exaggerate, but only a little: Monday - maybe 2 hours, Wednesday - perhaps 1 or 1.5, and Thursday - not a single minute!!!), restless legs and arms, and continued random pain.

Doesn't my body know I'm DONE with this???  It's really okay to stop already!

They took some blood - a traditional vein-based blood letting vs. through my port (ONLY because I neglected to use my numbing cream before going in and I'm truly a chicken) - but I'll have to wait until Monday for the results.  We're looking at electrolytes, calcium, magnesium, and potassium levels, things that might be causing the restless sleeping.  My fingers are crossed that the results give me something I can DO!  I'm pretty good at that - just give me a job dang it, tell me how to fix it and I'm on it ;)

Also finally got my lymphedema compression garments this week.  The sleep sleeve I ordered was supposed to be pink, but not HOT pink!  Apparently the manufacturer made a change - guess I can live with it.

They work to move lymphatic fluids back up my arm and into the areas of my body that are less compromised.  I'm not sure I can handle this every night...

after wearing the darned thing for 3 hours

...I've got to ask again about the recommended frequency.  I DO have to wear a compression sleeve and gauntlet (thumb and hand covering) when I exercise, take long car trips, or any flight - thankfully THAT one's not as puffy and is much less conspicuous (flesh colored vs pink!).

Since some of you have asked, yes, I've got both my surgeries scheduled:

• oovorectomy on Dec. 6th
• left-side mastectomy on Dec. 13th

I'm not expecting any complications, both are planned as out-patient, but boy had I best get going with my Christmas shopping!!!  

On a positive note, a SUPER positive note, my sweet neighbor organized a Bunko night this week to raise $ for Susan G. Komen in my honor :party

What a GREAT time!!! 

She's truly the "hostess with the mostest!"  We didn't EVEN play Bunko (lol) - none of us could remember how to play, and it was more fun to just hang out, eat yummy food (including GF cupcakes with pink ribbons on top), and catch up with neighbors and friends I don't see often enough.  Even met 2 new neighbors!

Check out the precious ornaments she made for each of us:

I'm SO appreciative for the thoughtfulness AND the support of all the girls who came :)

P.S.

Couldn't resist adding this BONUS picture:

Jealous Cooper HAD to join us!
Really, he was just after hubby's hat ;)

I hope that each of you has a wonderful Thanksgiving <3

I know I will!

"Thankful" is a true understatement this year :tup

Closing my eyes and asking, "Is it over yet?"

As most of you know, I had my last chemo treatment...

...a poignant end to Breast Cancer Month :tup

My sweet family marked the occasion:

Amazing son took the day off and insisted on coming with me - of course dear hubby came to be my extra ears for my meeting with my oncologist (who came into the room with his arms in the air, victory style, proclaiming my graduation day - of course I had to inform him of my "commencement" preference ;) ).  About an hour into my LAST INFUSION...

The LAST BAG!!!

...my "forever cheerleader" Mom walked in with a dozen PINK roses :)

AND, shortly after, precious daughter showed up, having driven from school to be with me!

Oh, she brought me flowers too :)

I'm SO blessed :angel

When I went back the next day for my nasty Neulasta shot, I brought the wonderful chemo suite nurses a treat (Mama and I made them):

Get it???

Of course I won't EVER have one again ;)

So, I'm done, right???

Well, according to my onco, like baby weight gain, 17 weeks of cumulative chemo, 17 weeks until I feel truly well - REALLY???  I've learned some patience through this ordeal, but I wasn't prepared to hear THAT :(   I refuse to mark my calendar - I'll just try to defy the odds!!!  I've done it once already ;) #BRCA negative x3

Because some of you have expressed appreciation for my honesty and candor, I have a few more things to share.  I promise I'm not whining here, but my last couple of days have been pretty rotten :(

• I've had to deal with some serious stomach issues this round 
• I had a night this week when my pain meds didn't even work
• I woke up this morning with 2 more eyelashes on my cheek, and the corners of my mouth were bleeding

AND I broke down in tears in the grocery store...

I can't put my finger on EXACTLY what sparked the waterworks, but on my way to Publix I passed 2 women walking our neighborhood parkway, enjoying the pleasant day, and it hit me that I still don't have the energy to walk mini Cooper.  Oh how I want that to be me again!!!  Then, while hunting the aisles of the grocery for a product - looking at all the holiday items, anticipating Thanksgiving and Christmas - the pain became noticeable; my legs, arms, and stomach (in a different way) began to throb.  I gave up looking and headed for the check out with my apple slices. Once there, the man ahead of me, chatting amicably with the checker, says to her, "Don't stand too close to that register or you'll lose your hair!" after which he removed his hat to show her his balding head.  There I stood, in MY hat, bald as a baby's butt underneath, and the tears just began to fall - I couldn't stop them.

I quickly donned my sunglasses, checked out, and rushed to my car where I sat and cried...

Guess it comes with the territory.

As I wrote this post, however, I opened the box of messages, sent by a special angel, and read,

"Life is what we are alive to. It is not length, but breadth. Be alive to... goodness, kindness, purity, love, history, poetry, music, flowers, stars, God and eternal hope."

~Maltbie D. Babcock

Each new day is a step forward!

I Get HIGH with a Little Help from My Friends!

LITERALLY :)

On top of Stone Mountain

It has been more than 8 years since I've made the mile-long walk up the side of this quartz monzonite monadnock that featured prominently in my high school years - all 3 of us actually (high school buddies :) ).  In fact, the last time for me was precious daughter's 13th birthday, when we hiked it with 13 of her dear friends who then spent the night with us #joys of raising teenage girls.

It USED to be easy ;)

I'd forgotten all the uPS and Downs and uPS and Downs along the looonnng hike to the top!

It's like this most of the way
Except for the REALLY steep quarter mile or so toward the top!

Yes, I had to stop and rest a couple of times - oddly felt my blood pumping through my port cannula (EWWW!) - and wondered, part way up, WHY I decided THIS was the weekend to make the trek!

Nonetheless, with a firm hand behind my back the last 50 or so steps (thank you dear friend), 

I MADE IT!!!

This one's for YOU, Venecia ;)

Hubby saw the pix when I texted him on our way home and replied, "Put your sweatshirt back on!"

When I asked why, he responded, "So I don't have to put up with you when you're at home sick!" (Seriously!!!)

Guess he's about as tired of this nasty fight as me ;)

Well, this coming Wednesday is my 

LAST CHEMO TREATMENT!!!

AND, while I'll still have to go through the "round" - steroid jitters, Neulasta shot, post-chemo yucks, blood count check...

I WILL NOT have another chemo on the horizon :e

The future brings my two surgeries in December.

THEN, I will count myself a SURVIVOR, a true PINK WARRIOR SISTER, among the "more than 2.8 million women" (2013, BreastCancer.org) who've gone before me and paved the way.

I'm EVER so grateful for the constant prayers and continued well wishes from so many special people in my life.

Heaven gained a STRONG and BEAUTIFUL angel this week

It's with an incredibly sad heart that I write this post.

I received an email today informing me of the passing of a dear pink sister.

SHE is the reason I started this blog.

SHE was an inspiration, an encourager, and a constant supporter and cheerleader to me.

SHE is missed more than she will ever know (I'm telling her now).

Though I didn't know her well - ours began as a professional, office-patient relationship - I grew to admire her more and more and more, and our bond, mostly via emails, meant so much to me.

We met in 2010, when I first consulted the dentist she worked for about some needed reconstruction due to the long term effects of celiac disease on my teeth.  She was the ever-present office manager.  On her desk sat one of those scrolling digital photo frames.  I loved looking at the beautiful pictures of her Great Danes and horses, her passion and family.  She was so helpful and understanding as hubby and I struggled to make a plan, and ultimately the decision to start the long and expensive process of major dental reconstruction.  I looked forward to seeing her after each visit :)

In the spring of 2011, on one of my visits, the dentist (an amazing dental artist whose work is his passion) shared with me that she was not in that day, she had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  I asked for her contact information to send a card.  My heart broke for her, and I could tell how much she meant to him.

I saw her later, I think it was last fall, back in the office, obviously in the midst of treatment because she looked much like I do now with a hat-covered head, sparse eyebrows and lashes, and palish complexion.  I admired her tenacity, and told her so.  She shared that work kept her sane, kept her going, kept her mind off her illness.  Her smile that day was infectious.  I told her she was in my prayers.

Fast forward to June of this year, my own diagnosis front and center.  I found out chemo could cause dental problems and was urged to ensure my dental work was secure before beginning treatment.  Of course I called her, and she fit me into this dentist's busy schedule.

She looked great, having finished her chemo earlier in the year and a partial radical mastectomy like me.  She had been stage 3 with inflammatory breast cancer as opposed to my stage 2B invasive ductal breast cancer.  Nonetheless, our chemo treatment regimens were identical, so she had much experiential advice to offer.  I vividly recall her handing me a notecard with her personal email address before I left, asking me to PLEASE contact her with questions, especially how to manage life without nose hairs - I chuckled at the time, but, as a prior post explained, it can be a real challenge (just ask my students ;) ).

We began corresponding, at least once a week, our communication frequently initiated by her "Thinking of you" subject line.  She unfailingly ended each message with, "You are strong and beautiful."

I stopped in to see her in mid September, to thank her and hug her neck.  Again, she looked wonderful, her post-chemo hair short and silky-curly :)  We joked about side effects, and spoke of newfound perspectives and the beauty of each day.  She obviously was not telling me something.  Her cancer had returned.  I didn't know it until this morning.

Our last correspondence was on October 1st.  I had to check.  She had been on my mind this past week, and I wanted to drop by and see her on Tuesday after my class.  I didn't though, because I wasn't feeling great and didn't want to be a "Debbie downer" when she was always so positive...

Of course she wouldn't have been there.

Heaven gained a STRONG and BEAUTIFUL angel on October 21st.

I know she's left a huge hole in the lives of her family and friends.

I too miss her.  So much.

These are for you, precious pink sister, because of what you did for me <\3

"A woman of beauty... knows in her quiet center where God dwells that He finds her beautiful and deems her worthy, and in Him, she is enough." 

~John and Staci Eldredge

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation.  Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.

James 1:12

Considering Graduation

Wednesday was #7

One more to go :)

My oncologist told me that the next time we meet will be my "Graduation Day."

In my mind, graduation connotes something accomplished, things completed, an end per se.

While I'm super excited to finish my chemo, putting behind me an experience I hope never to repeat, as we parted company, and Hubby and I made our way - for the next-to-last time - to the infusion suite, something about the idea of graduation bothered me.  Perhaps it's because there ARE no more graduations for me - unless I start over in another field of study ;)

... But that didn't seem to be the reason.

I understand that "graduation" is effectively the completion of a set of requirements, a checking the boxes of sorts.  I will have done that, but I know there's more ahead.

So I got hooked up - thankful my trusty port is still doing its job - settling in for the 4-hour infusion.

I  took this picture several weeks ago, but thought I'd share what Hubby actually DOES during this time:

Of course he puts it down if I need something!

IF I can get his attention :brow

JK

Love him anyway <3

So, back to my pondering about graduation.

It came to me sometime during the second hour.  

He got it wrong.  My oncologist that is.

October 30th will be my COMMENCEMENT!!!

A celebration of accomplishments, a ceremony marking the end of one phase and the beginning of something new!!!  I will step over a threshold, moving away from my travails, the hard work, the dedication to achieve completion... into a life where this part of the fight is a badge of honor, a distinction I will proudly share with many pink sisters.

Yes, my life will have changed.  I already feel it, taste it, smell it.  (At least SOME days - when the pain isn't there, when my taste buds get a brief reprieve from the yucks, and when I can't literally smell the chemicals coming out of my pores.)  My perspective will be - arguably already is - different.  I understand the importance of each day; the value of each hug, thought, and prayer; the power of love.  Oddly, my perspective on death has also changed.  No, I don't plan to leave this Earth any time soon, but I do now realize the temporal nature of my life in the flesh.  And when it IS my time, it will be just that!  

2014 looks to be better than this year - my half century mark that was supposed to be so special - when I will commence life anew, enjoy each day, continue to heal, and attempt to take difficulties in stride.  On October 30th I will have met my graduation requirements, but more importantly, having learned so much, I'll embark on a new journey.

Small Surprises

Done with Round #6!

2 more treatments to go and I feel like The Little Engine That Could!

I think I can!  I think I can!  I think I can!

Regardless, Taxol SUC#$ :(

When I called the Nurse Line after I had such bad aches and pains last round they suggested I take L-Glutamine (an amino acid used to counter some of Taxol's effects - among other things).  I started yesterday morning with abundant hope (fingers crossed and everything!)...

I felt pretty good on chemo day - just a tad tired - and took a refreshing walk in the park yesterday morning (day #2).  Also taught class last night :tup and opened my office to a beautiful surprise from a very special person:

In fact, I've been blessed this week with emails, cards, and two very lovely gifts :)

God must be communicating with my :angel  s

 

So, perhaps I'm not patient enough, but last night was not a good one.  I tried to sleep through it, but ended up taking some pain meds around 2 am.  

I know I've mentioned before that I DON'T like to take medications!!!  But I am grateful for those that will make me well - and that will let me sleep.

I'll take this in stride, because the end is in sight!!!

Some of you have seen the picture already, but my wonderful mother came with me for treatment this week:

So, she can attest to the SMALL Surprise I got from my oncologist :tup

While the Taxol may be worse in terms of aches and pains, it DOESN'T knock out my immune system the way the A/C did...

You have NO idea!!!

I've not had fresh fruit (OR uncooked vegetables OR food from a restaurant) 

since July 17th!!!

He gave me the a-okay \m/

This ALSO means that I will be able to visit my father-in-law who is not well.  

He has end-stage Parkinson's and I've not seen him since I started my treatments...

Really not such a "small" thing in my life right now ;)

 

Book cover from: http://www.betterlivingthroughbeowulf.com/
Seaside picture from: http://www.wikihow.com/Find-the-Light-at-the-End-of-the-Tunnel

Learning to Expect the Unexpected

Three things have me thinking of late about the state of being "expectant" -

1. Standards, norms, and generalizations related to cancer and treatment

2. Human behavior, friendship, and true "gifts"

3. Mathematical odds

From the beginning of my treatment, once I knew what the regimen would be, I sought answers.  From the Internet, the pile of books beside my bed (I should have stock in Amazon), my virtual pink sisters, several real life pink sisters, and, of course, my oncology team.  

• What are the possible side effects?
• When will they start/how long will they last?
• What are the chances I'll experience them?

I have my lists.

Adriamycin and Cytoxan were the beasts (recall the "red devil" :v ?)

Nonetheless, my go with A/C was relatively mild, at least compared to others - of course it's all relative when you're in the hot seat! 

And, despite being told otherwise, my online PSs were having a rough go with Taxol!!!???

I sympathized, but knew it would be different for me.  Afterall, I'm staying active, following protocol, handling things in stride (mostly)...

Plus, my oncologist said 2/3 of folks do better on T than A/C :tup

The Pacific yew tree

Click HERE to see what makes this tree so special.

Crazy, huh???

Round #1 of T was a week ago...

I'm obviously the 1/3 :P

Pain meds have again become my friend, not so much the Pacific yew tree!

I do have a strategy for next round, and I'll keep my fingers crossed.

But I'm learning to expect the unexpected.

Human behavior isn't always predictable, but there are patterns.

In this fast-paced world we sometimes forget about others and become singly focused on our own lives and issues.  I had a couple of pity parties last week, and even my last blog post exuded a "woe is me" message.  I'd forgotten who was in charge and that He knows what's up, how I feel, and... well, everything!

My mom reminded me that we often miss His answers when we're too stubborn or self-absorbed:

So I was, once again, reminded of His love, and the presence of special people in my life this week.  I've REALLY been wanting a massage but have been scared since my breast surgery and while going through chemo (lymphedema, port issues, etc.).  I finally asked my doctor, and he said, "Sure!"  Of course I was told to go to someone I knew who would listen to my needs.  So, after my shot last Thursday, I headed toward Lawrenceville to speak in person with a therapist I've gone to several times. On the way I passed a new spa I'd seen advertised alongside my chiropractor's office in a local publication.  It was closer, so I thought I'd stop by.  As I walked toward the entrance of the spa I was spotted by the wife of my chiro in the office next door who waved, so I went in to say "hi."
Long-story-short, the spa is affiliated with their office, and a girl on staff is trained in oncological massage!!!  Hallelujah :e

Had my wonderfully relaxing massage on Monday, went to pay, and this angel friend :angel comped my visit.  What a gift.  Blessed I am! 

Finally, the math and genetics of it all.  

A roll of the dice would predict that if I have the BRCA gene, and precious daughter and dear brother do NOT, then awesome son's chances are tenuous at best.

Well, chances be damned!!!  

The passing of the vicious mutation stops with ME :mj

Awesome son does NOT have the BRCA mutation!!!

We batted 750 with this one!

I could actually learn to LIKE the unexpected!

Expect picture from: http://bugsinheaven.com/images/articlepics/expect.jpg
Dice picture from: http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Music/Pix/pictures/2010/10/21/1287678943374/Rolling-dice-006.jpg
Ball and bat picture from: http://www.math.louisville.edu/newsletters/newsletterMar00/Image8.gif